Archive for January, 2011
“The Records…..Have Likely Been Destroyed….”
7“I’m sorry I don’t have any personal recollection of the burn incident details although I do recall that there was such an incident,” Dr. Kaftan wrote to me the other day, in answer to my query. Not only had my mother listed Dr. Kaftan, a pediatrician in Green Bay who is now retired, in my baby book as part of the team when I was burned but we’d known the Kaftan family as long as I could remember. It was my Aunt Janet who recently encouraged me to call or write Dr. Kaftan — she had done the advance work for me and chatted with him about my contacting him. I was excited to do so not only because the thought that he would have some recollections loomed large but because he was now the last remaining member of my team of doctors. Drs. Lynn, von Heimburg and Hoops have all since passed away.
“I am sure you are correct that the records of the Webster Clinic doctors have likely been destroyed……although I would be glad to inquire if you would like me to,” he helpfully offered.
Ah yes, paper records. An email that you or I send today lives on ad infinitum in cyberspace. Paper medical records from before the 1980s are subject to records retention policies and typically destroyed on a schedule or shortly after a doctor retires. Oddly, in our technology oriented world, they tend not to be converted into electronic records, the belief being that no one is interested in them any more.
Medical records policies aside, I have to say this new information just sucks. Dead ends and I do not get along. When news of this ilk comes my way, I want to yell out, “Hey, I was seriously burned. I’m not making this up. I have scars to prove it. Why don’t you people remember anything about it because I sure do!” But that is how this particular ball bounces. I will make yet another effort to contact the Clinic/s and see if anything remains. Beyond that, there are a couple of people still on my list to interview about their recollections. After that, my story moves ahead.
Regular readers of this blog will recall that I eventually received my resolution on all this. It’s that resolution that lead me to explore the accident and early records. Whatever I find or don’t find from days gone by will be what it will be. It would just be nice to have a complete picture though the reality is that all our stories are somewhat imperfect.
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Meaning in the Limbs
6Depending on your spiritual orientation, you might see meaning in everything, nothing or a smattering of things of your choosing. I tend to see meaning in nearly everything. That doesn’t mean I agree with everything whole cloth however. You have to take what works for you and discard the rest. As I thought about this, Louise Hay‘s Heal Your Life yellow book caught my eye perched on the bookshelf as it was.
Ah yes, I thought, Louise Hay believes that dis-ease is the result of our mental patterns. “I believe we live in a ‘yes’ Universe. No matter what we choose to believe or think, the Universe always says ‘yes’ to us. If we think poverty, the Universe says yes to that. If we think prosperity, the Universe says yes to that,” she writes, explaining how we are co-creators of our own reality. I thumbed through the book again, drawn toward her list of life’s problems and their probable mental cause. “Leg(s),” it read. “Probably Cause: Carries us through life. New Thought Pattern: Life is for me.”
I never thought life was against me at any time. But I could certainly affirm more often I guess that “life is for me.” Simple.
Many years ago, I went to a psychic with a couple of girlfriends. I didn’t have a burning question at the time but I did ask, “What lessons should I have learned from burning my leg?” “There are some,” the psychic replied, “such as personal humility and compassion for others. But have you come to understand that the accident did not happen for your purposes? The accident was for your mother and the lessons she had to learn in her life.”
I was stunned. In all the years since the accident, I had never thought there might be a message or learning for anyone else than me.
And that’s what I mean about meaning. There are so many ways to look at nearly everything (if you are interested in the exploration of course). What it has meant for me ever since that day is that I look for meaning in different ways and different levels. More importantly, every time I think I’m just doing things for my independent self, I have to remember how inter-connected we all are.
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Lessons on Beauty
0When Shanna came to work at the office, she was the tan, cute, blond Southern belle or so we thought at the time.
Southern Belle
Like peeling layers of the onion skin, we get to know other people in slivers and slices. Just the same way we get to know ourselves. When I found out Shanna and I shared the same birthday, I got to know her better. When Shanna offered to help out with my books, a little better still and so it went until we formed a bond of shared experiences and ways of thinking. She was only in her late 20s when she came into the office one day to tell us she had a rare form of cancer. Diagnosis. Surgery. Radiation. Chemotherapy. If you’ve ever been through it, you know it’s like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or simply put, a call for personal transformation. Shanna lost her hair, that beautiful blond hair that so complimented her tan, that made her feel cute. “The old Shanna doesn’t exist anymore,” she said. “I was spending time on upkeep for crap that didn’t matter. There are gorgeous people out there who are ugly inside. Inner beauty lasts and that’s what I look for in people these days.” Shanna’s hair grew back and she left bookkeeping and is just a semester shy of becoming a nurse. I have no doubt that she will be a great one.
Years ago when I was in college, a medical student looked at my burned leg and said to me, “You know, you can have plastic surgery to make that look better.” I nodded but didn’t say anything. Words weren’t needed. I’d already had a dozen plus plastic surgeries by then. There was some wry delight in knowing that if that medical student couldn’t make even that assessment after years of medical training, then he wasn’t going to have a very successful career. What you see on the outside often has nothing to do with what’s on the inside.
I Find Pennies
10
Image via Wikipedia
I was researching an emotionally difficult issue when I retrieved a voicemail from Cousin Tom, official advisor to this blog. “Anne, I’ve been reading the blog and it’s getting a little depressing,” he said. “I mean, I read the John Mellencamp post and now that he’s dating Meg Ryan, maybe you can do a positive post on that.” Heady stuff cousin Tom, heady stuff. If you wondered at all, I have lots of positive things to share. I mean, I find pennies. I’ve been reluctant to share this because it seems sometimes pedantic, and I haven’t quite figured out why I find them. So I talked to my work colleague Gloria about it, asking, “Hey Glow, am I making this up or do I find pennies a lot?” She pondered a moment. “Gallagher, I never find pennies except when I am with you. You find them all the time. I never do.” Glow and I were walking out of our office the other day and there one sat. “Where did that come from?” she asked. “I just walked through here and there was no penny.” I picked it up and smile. I find them all the time. I’m not quite sure what they mean but I think they are a sign of some sort. I interpret them to be signs telling me to continue on with things I am not always comfortable with, like writing this blog and working to complete the longer memoir on it. “Glow, what do pennies mean to you?” I asked, hoping she had some insight I lacked. She did. Some people see finding pennies as good luck; others see a penny with the ‘tails’ side down and flip it over to the “heads” side so someone else will have good luck; we throw pennies on ponds and wish on them; they are a sign of something or other; and for some people, they mean absolutely nothing. I find pennies and they encourage me though I’m not sure why. Do you find pennies? Do you find anything? What do they mean to you?
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Everyone Has Setbacks
3No matter how hard you try to avoid it, adversity finds it way into everyone’s life — with varying degrees of nastiness and of course, opportunity. That’s why I find Roger Ebert‘s story so inspirational. Thyroid and salivary cancer destroyed his ability to speak and still, he found a way awaken his voice. It is courageous to let life transform us. Read this story from CBS News: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/01/02/sunday/main7205367.shtml
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Where Does Memory Come From?
1My heart skipped an extra beat when I was talking to my sister Susie this holiday to wish her season’s greetings. At the same time, I was thinking how to finesse a segue to her memories of the day I burned my leg, which I realized was probably impossible to do so subtly. And so I just asked, “On another note, Susie I have this memory of you telling me that you smelled me burning and told mom to go upstairs and check on me.
Is that at all accurate?” Susie, the consummate Ph.D. in psychology, paused as she would normally do to process the question and her response. “I have to tell you Annie,” she said and hesitated a bit. “I don’t remember a thing about that day.” My mind swirled. How could that be? The story I long remembered was that she and I were playing downstairs in the basement. Mom was with us just feet away, ironing and talking on the phone. I saw that image clear as day. How could Susie, who was a whole 18 months older than me, not have any recollection?
“How old would I have been then,” she asked.
“You would have been 3 and a half. I was just a couple weeks shy of two.”
“Well, I guess that’s why I don’t remember anything. I was so young. I’m sorry. Tell me what you remember.” And so I did, my memory being much more vivid than what she knew or recalled, even though I know she was there with me that day.
Where exactly does memory come from? How can we recollect something so clearly that someone else hasn’t registered? It’s one of those mysteries that has to be accepted and is absolutely befuddling. I so wanted confirmation of my memory and at the same time, know that when you embark on a journey to uncover the past, you simply have to accept whatever it is that you find.
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